relections from a mom with eczema

...a fitting picture for this post would be my eczema-filled hands but I'll spare you from that awful imagery...

My hands are essential to me. I use it 24/7...8 hours a day, 7 days a week at my day job, I use them to arrange flowers for church and for weddings. I use them to do house chores (when I actually do them). And most importantly to me, I use them to show care and affection to my daughter, Makayla. I don’t see her that much during the day so giving her baths at night is my chance to bond with her. I love holding her hand for walks and giving her big hugs. I’m also on full diaper duty on the weekends (to give daddy a break). So you can imagine how inconvenient it was when my chronic eczema spread all over my hands and in between every finger.

When I said chronic, I meant life-time- had-it-since-birth (or as long as I can remember)-chronic. It comes and goes and appears in different parts of my body – most of the time the most visible parts (ie: forehead, face, neck, hands). For the most part, I have accepted it and have tolerated it all these years. In recent years, it always appeared on my left hand, which I tolerated and used my right (formerly eczema free) hand whenever I have outbreaks (which was pretty often). In fact, I don't remember when my left hand was last eczema free. Anyway, a few months ago, it slowly migrated and invaded my right hand. For those of you who have eczema, you know what I mean …cracked skin, a million tiny blisters waiting to explode with puss, open wounds for days/weeks, can’t wash hands, intense itchiness… Since the recent outbreak, I haven’t been able to give Makayla baths, couldn’t change her diapers or even hold her hand (with all the ointment I have on my hands). Not to mention all the added responsibilities that Abe had to take over due to my unproductive hands!

I’VE HAD IT! (or I should say WE) I was determined to find a cure, to get this healed once in for all. I’ve got to be allergic to something! There’s got to be a reason for this. If I can just find that culprit, I can get rid of this and ‘enjoy life’ again.

So I self-referred to see a dermatologist. Usually appointments are booked months out but I was lucky enough to get in the next day. I’m almost always late to appointments but this time, I was early…so early, I even brought a book to read. Filled with hope and anticipation, I awaited to be seen…

…only to be met by the utmost disappointment…

Dr: …oh that looks like typical eczema to me…you’re born with it, it’s like asthma…it’s intrinsically programmed in you…it’s genetic… it’s how your body reacts…I’m sorry, there’s no cure

Me: …but if I can just find out what I’m allergic to, and the cause of it, maybe I can just eliminate that from my diet or something and it will all go away?...

Dr: no, there’s no cure… I can prescribe you something a lot stronger (than hydrocortisone 2.5%) and some moisturizer to treat the inflammation but there’s really no cure…

These words completely shattered me. Deep down, I’ve known this all along. After all, if there was a cure, my mom would have found it and helped me heal it long time ago when I was little. To hear the doctor say this to me so matter-of-factly just confirmed the inevitable. It’s like a death-sentence or hearing that I have cancer (I know it’s far far far from that but at that moment, it felt like it).

I picked up my ointment from the pharmacy and headed back to work. Somehow the classical music on the radio seemed so much more depressing. The thought of having to deal with this for the rest of my life was somehow affecting me way more than it ever did. The tough side of me said 'just deal with it! You've had this for 30 years already, whats another 50-60 more'. But somehow I was emotional and just had this overcasting sadness about the whole situation.

Then, I thought, (sarcastically, humorously) hmm…I better start saving up for a lifetime supply of hydrocortisone now…maybe I should coordinate with all my fellow eczema inflicted friends and buy it in bulk and save some money…I should start a eczema support group…i bet there's one already... Then I started to lament…why God! why! …you know how important my hands are for me…why eczema, why on my hands…why now…why ever…(with some glimpse of hope)…maybe it’s not that bad. As long as I’m good about keeping my hands moisturized, stay away from soaps and water, try not to get stressed, remember self-care…maybe it’ll be okay. Maybe God ‘blessed’ me with this condition so I can share and empathize with others who have it. Maybe it’s a good thing.

Trying to forget all this and get on with my work day, I shared this with my co-worker who was also a Christian. Instead of just nodding and looking empathetic, she offered to pray for me. She said that I don't have to live with it. I was blown away by her faith and humbled by my lack of faith...what makes me think that God can't heal eczema! If God can raise from the dead...oh, yeah, he can heal eczema! So we prayed and somehow, I felt like God was telling me, hey there, I'm still here! Ask me and you'll be surprised what I can do!

So...to fellow eczema suffering friends:

• Hang in there! The bad days will pass!
• Who wants to put in a bulk order of hydrocortisone with me?
• Don't scratch it or else you'll suffer for a really long time!
• Let's join in faith and pray that God will heal our eczema no matter how bad it is. All things are possible with God!
  

...who would've thought a visit to the dermatologist would result in such deep convictions...

2010 top ten reflections

Time flies! Can't believe Makayla is already ONE! More on her 1st b-day festivities on a later post. But now, let's reflect on 2010...

makayla:

10. The outside world is much more exciting than inside mommy's tummy.

9. FOOD? bring it on! anytime anywhere!

8. Eat, sleep, play and repeat...life is tough...but I'm managing okay!

7. I have mastered the following dance moves: rocking back and forth on all fours, swaying side to side and my latest, shaking my booty while rocking one leg.

6. I love to eat.

5. Elmo is my new best friend.

4. I love to eat.

3. Simple things like pieces of paper or product packaging (aka garbage or junk) can entertain me for a really long time.

2. I have a soft spot for stuffed animals or babies that resemble stuffed animals. A gentle headbutt is my way of showing affection.

1. Being a baby is great but I'm super excited to explore the world as a toddler!

heidi:

10. Giving birth was the easy part...motherhood is hard work!

9. Parenting is definitely teamwork! Abe is the best teammate.

8. It truly takes a village to raise a child. Thank God for family (esp. grandparents) and friends!

7. Twelve weeks of maternity leave was way too short!

6. Full time job + motherhood + side business = self destruction

5. Quality time with your child beats any fancy toy or cool gadget you can give them.

4. Elmo music videos might be the next best thing.

3. Have yet to figure out how to balance family, work, church and a million other things...work in progress...

2. It's been exciting watching Makayla grow and learn new things. Looking forward to seeing her blossom into a healthy little girl!

1. Giving birth to another human being was the most life changing experience I've ever had. It's amazing how it all works! And if I could do it all over again, I would! (no, I'm not pregnant with #2 yet)

abe:
10. Giving birth was the easy part...fatherhood is hard work!
9. Working at home and caring for Mak wasn't easy at first, it just got harder every time I thought I got used to it.
8. 3 naps, 2 naps, 1 nap, none = a long day.
7. Sleeping through the night starting at 2 months, a gift of grace and mercy.
6. Paternity leave? More like paternity stay.
5. One "hi dad" goes a long way.
4. I knew I took a lot of pics, didn't realize each set is about 25 of the same shot. Of those 25, I'm lucky to get a couple keepers.
3. "She looks just like Heidi" "She looks just like Abe" "She looks like a mix of both" duh!
2. It's 3pm, I should get breakfast.
1. Can I take a shower yet?

1.8.2010 Welcome to the world, Makayla!

1.8.2011 Happy 1st Birthday, Makayla!

Mak - gained 15 pounds and a few inches
Heidi - dropped 50 pounds (maybe gained a few back)
Abe - lost a few inches of hair and still sporting his nice maroon shirt from a year ago

my yellow hammer

We read from one of the baby websites that at week 34, babies’ temperament is indicative of what their personality might be like in the future. So far, Makayla seems pretty mellow and easy going. She likes to smile and hasn’t shown much signs of stranger anxiety (thanks to recent family reunions of over 100 relatives and weekly church visits). Sometimes she likes to stare and study faces of people who she’s not familiar with (or have forgotten she’s met before). Not sure if it’s too early to draw any conclusions about her personality from these observations.

We do notice that she has certain toy preferences which are a little surprising. Lately, we’ve tried to introduce Mak to some new interactive toys…colorful ones with lots of shapes, textures, some with rattle/sounds, and some with lights. But time after time, Mak seems to prefer toys that are simple with not much frills. Her favorite one would be the famous yellow hammer which can be found in almost every recent picture because Mak likes to hold it 24/7. She takes her bath with it and goes to bed with it…first thing in the morning, looks for yellow hammer! Basically, it’s a bright yellow plastic toy with a football shaped part as the hammer and a pear shaped ring as the handle.

One day, Abe and I were thinking…so why does she like that yellow thing so much? We came up with a few possible reasons and analysis of what these might mean:

• Hammer is light and easy to hold – It’s big enough for Mak to hold with one or two hands (Meaning: um, not sure)
• Hammer is multifunctional – it can be used as a teether toy, as a hammer to bang on things, or an instrument to make all sorts of sounds depending on what object it’s hitting on (Meaning: Mak is creative, maybe will go into drumming like daddy?)
• Hammer is yellow (Meaning: yellow may be her favorite color…she seems to gravitate towards other yellow things like the (adult size) exercise ball…or maybe cuz it’s just the biggest ‘toy’ in her room.)
• Hammer is simple – (Meaning: Mak finds pleasure in the simple things in life)
• The fact that Mak always goes back to this toy may indicate that she knows what she wants and doesn’t change her mind easily – maybe early signs of stubbornness? Or we can call it loyalty and dedication. =)
• Hammer was part of a FREE gift from doing a child development survey at our childbirth class (Meaning: Mak is frugal and likes to find a good deal!)

Okay, this is probably not the most scientific analysis of our daughter’s temperament/personality/qualities but it was fun imagining what kind of person she will become. I guess we’ll see!

backwards bib = cape

I just came to realize that a backwards bib all of a sudden transforms into a cape. Mak did this on her own while playing in the mega saucer. On purpose? I'd like to think so...because to play on the Mega Saucer you must be Super Makayla!

Don't make me use my heat vision!

confessions of a stay-at-home dad con't

This is a continuation of my initial stay-at-home posting, along with more "underrated things that you have to endure with a baby that no one really talks about"...

4) When your baby gets fussy: and you've gone through the checklist of things that usually make them fussy (i.e. hungry, tired, dirty diaper, gas, illness, etc.), track back to the last time they've pooped. Mind you that it's "normal" that breastmilk fed babies don't poop everyday and can go as long as 2 weeks without pooping without it officially being called constipation (yes, as crazy as that may sound, that's what the pediatrician said). I don't even want to know what damage that would do when it all comes out after 2 weeks. That would be the end of the world, or at least everything within a 10 foot radius of the blowout would need to be replaced. Mak has never gone that long. But last Thurs-Fri, she was extra fussy, nothing could soothe her, pick her up, put her down, yadayada. I got nothing done those two days. Come Saturday, thank you God, she pooped. Back-to-back diaperfuls with no blow out. Double thank God. Then she was happy...and so was mommy and daddy.

5) People don't tell you things: because when they go through it, no one told them about it, so it's pay back. But I'm not like that, since I'm telling you now.

Disclaimer: There is no scientific or medical evidence (unless sources stated) to any advice I give. These are just from my observations from raising Makayla. Don't blame me if your kid isn't the same as mine. Results may vary. I am not liable if your baby has any type of diaper blowout.

stay-at-home

This past week was the 2nd week of me being a full-time stay-at-home dad and part-time freelance graphic designer. It's actually not as tough as I thought it would be, but then again, I didn't have any pressing deadlines that required extreme focused times of work.

Recently, I thought of some things that are what I call "underrated things that you have to endure with a baby that no one really talks about." These are definitely are not deal-breakers to having babies, but it's just some things that are not enjoyable (at least when you first encounter it).

1) Clipping finger/toe nails: when I first did it, it was the most nerve-racking thing I've done in a long time. The whole time I'm thinking, "Don't cut too much. Don't draw blood." After half-an-hour, I move to the other hand. At least it felt like half-an-hour. Let's just say after I was done, my back was all sweaty.

2) Cluster feeding: not enjoyable, but it's a good sign that baby is going through growth spurts. But when you haven't had time to shower or eat and she starts screaming for more milk for the 3rd time in 3 hours, it gets tiring. It's only temporary, it gets better...

3) #2 in the bathtub: we were told to watch out for it during birth/parenting class. So, when it first happened, it's like, "What the? Oh no! Get her out! Get me a towel! What do we do now? Rinse her off with the shower head. Hold her here. No here!..." After a couple more times, we were pros at poo in the water. It hasn't happened recently, so that's a good thing. A tip, don't feed the baby right before the bath. Now it all makes sense.

are you serious?

Easter Sunday, it happened again...

Genius Chinese Lady: "Son or daughter?" [in chinese]
Heidi: Huh?! [not asking because she didn't hear it]
GCL: "Son or daughter?"




Ok, come on now, Makayla was wearing:
1) White beanie with a gaudy PINK flower stuck on it
2) A white onesie outfit with small PINK flowers on it
3) PINK sock
4) Another PINK sock

Hey GCL, I don't know how many more hints you need. You made Makayla cry. Nice going. Next Sunday we're going to dress her all in blue and see what happens. Stay tuned.

are you blind?

So, ever since we started bringing Makayla to church at 1 month old, we've had plenty of chinese speaking people ask "Is a boy?" That is not a typo, that's how they ask. No, she is not a boy. And if she was a boy, why in the world would I purposely dress my son in a pink cap, white outfit with lavender flowers, and a pink blanket?!?!

This ranks up there with people calling me "Ab" or "Abby." Grrrr.

back to work soon :(

A week from today, I’m going to be sitting in my office, catching up with 3 months worth of work emails. It’s amazing how fast time flew by. Where did the last 3 months go?! My 14-week ‘vacation’ is up soon and I have to go back to the working world. Before I had kids, I’ve always told myself I’m not going to be a stay-at-home-mom...I didn't think I would be able to stand staying at home and doing nothing but taking care of the baby and chores. I still can’t see myself doing that now... but now that I am a mom, to think that I’m going to miss seeing my baby grow up just breaks my heart. I’m really going to miss spending time with her, watching her grow, develop new skills, learn to roll over, take her first steps, speak her first words…I think I’m even going to miss changing her diapers…yup, even the blowout ones. The other day I was taking an afternoon walk with makayla and got all choked up when I told her I won’t be able to take walks with her like this anymore once I go back to work. *sigh* (my eyes are getting blurry as I type this). What if she forgets about me and thinks that I’m another relative that visits every night?! …this is going to be a tough transition...

reflections

I tried to keep a diary after makayla was born but that only lasted 6 weeks. Hopefully I'll be better at blogging.

1.15.2010 Day 7, Week 1

Random thoughts from a one-week old mom:

Wow, what a weekend! Labor wasn't as hard as i thought! phew! The pain was tolerable and contractions weren't that bad. I wonder if I just have a high tolerance for pain or if my labor experience was just exceptionally easy?! By the time I got to the hospital I was already 5cm dilated (halfway there). I was still walking around and breathing through the contractions. My adrenaline was high and I REALLY wanted the baby to come out (as she's 6 days late already). I guess those childbirth videos really helped me to prepare for the worst.

Overwhelmed with thanks...too many things to count! Praise God for a smooth, drug free delivery, for friends and family who visited and supported/celebrated with us, for an amazing hospital and caring staff, for yummy hospital food, for letting me stay at the hospital one more day so I can recover from low iron levels (which meant more yummy hospital food), for a beautiful and healthy baby. I was really sad when they said Makayla has jaundice and had to stay at the hospital for treatment. But now that I think about it, it actually worked for the better. It gave Abe and I time to slowly readjust to life at home. We got to settle down and prepare the house for the baby's safe arrival. Praise God.

Finding the new ‘normal’...I keep wanting to go back to a 'normal routine' when i finally came to accept that life will not be 'normal' (as before) anymore. gotta find a new 'normal'.

My life now..."organized chaos".

Feeling guilty for doing nothing but sleep, feed, eat and repeat. Been having dreams about work (is that weird?) For now, i guess I just need to put my life on hold for awhile.

Little things make my happy nowadays. Being a new mom is definitely a learning process but there are many rewards and joys along the way. My milk is starting to come in and I went from getting 3cc – 70cc!!! Still work in progress but there is hope! :)

1.16.2010 Day 8

Searching for truth behind traditions...
I was getting tired of everyone telling me not to eat this, not to do that so I googled some of their advice and found this.

I guess i wasn't the only one wondering about the legitimacy of "no washing hair for one month"

1.22.2010 Day 15, Week 2

Can’t believe Makayla is two weeks and 1 day old!!! Time flies yet it goes by slow…I guess only when I’m breastfeeding. Bev, the lactation specialist said that I have to feed at least 30-45 min per feeding. So far, I’d be happy if I make it past 20 min. It’s not that I don’t have the milk supply. I have plenty to offer (as I’ve been pumping 5oz. It’s just that Makayla can’t stay awake long enough to enjoy the milk. It worries me that she’s not getting enough. We have another appointment with Bev today at 3pm. Hopefully, Makayla has gained some weight since Wed. I’m highly skeptical cuz she barely ate yesterday and when she did eat, she spit it all up. I really hope she’s getting the nutrition that’s in the little milk that she’s taking. Will update after appt.

Bev the lactation consultant said that Makayla is not gaining as much weight as she should be…that she needs to feed at least 30-45 min per feeding. Right now, she’s only feeding 15-20 each time, mainly cuz she falls asleep really quickly. The good thing is her wet/stool diapers are still normal. I’ll try to feed her longer…

1.30.2010 Week 3

This week started a bit rough. On Monday, Mak started these crying spells that just would not stop. We changed her, fed her, burped her, rocked her and repeated all of the above and she still wouldn’t stop crying. It was heartbreaking to see her cry and not know what to do to make her feel better. Tuesday – same thing. Abe got fed up and googled “colic remedies”. He got some gas relief ‘not medicine’ medicine (Safeway version of Mylicon) and found a way to help her fart. She showed some improvements on Wednesday. By the end of the week, Mak was doing much better. Unfortunately, she broke out in baby acne this week also. It looks really bad and so uncomfortable. According to Dr. Rudnick and sites online, baby acne doesn’t really bother the baby and it usually goes away after a few weeks. Hopefully her skin will clear up by her one-month birthday party in 2 weeks.

Other than that, baby is doing well. She seems to be maturing every day, being more alert than ever and showing signs that she actually recognizes us. She’s attracted to the blue/yellow/black/white poster upstairs and she likes looking at the corner of her crib. She still doesn’t like to be swaddled up and always sticks her arms out when she sleeps…just like Abe. Mak’s already wearing 3-month old clothes!
Oh, and today, I went to Marcia’s wedding and Abe had his first day (most of the day) with Mak all by himself. It was my first public appearance after Mak’s birth. It was nice to see so many adults!  I made it past 5 hours and went home…boobs were engorged plus I miss the baby (and Abe too). Funny…of all days, Mak chose today to get on her super growth spurt. She woke up every 1-2 hours to feed and ate at least 2-3 ounces each time! She’s definitely a big eater! Anyway, Abe was pretty frustrated by the time I got home! He needed a time-out!

2.4.2010 Week 4

Life’s little rewards for a new mom:
• LONG (until the hot water runs out) hot shower after a 5:30am feeding
• Six hour stretch through the night (although we cheated and co-slept)
• Giant burp after a big meal
• Giant burp after a big meal NOT followed by projectile vomiting
• Two days worth of poop coming out all at once after suspicion of constipation
• Having time to type this up at 7am!

2.11.2010 Week 5

This week’s highlight has definitely got to be the blowout ‘two-man’ poop that happened right on our bed! Makayla was changed and fed at 2:30am but for some reason (which later we know why) didn’t fall back to sleep. After much time of rocking, singing, bouncing, mommy was getting tired and frustrated and decided to call for help from daddy. From previous spit-up episodes, we made sure to put a burp cloth under Makayla’s head to protect our sheets. Little did we know that the problem came out the other end! We heard a couple of bubbly farts followed by ‘OH NO!’…Makayla made another giant poop! This time it soaked thru her diaper, two layers of clothes and right onto our bed sheets. Gave her a bath, did laundry, fed her again, spit up again, changed her again…and finally went down after 3 hours of craziness. Needless to say, we didn’t go back to sleep until the sun came out!

We celebrated Mak’s one-month birthday on 2.14.2010, Saturday at Super Buffet with almost 70 family and friends. She slept through the whole thing! She fell asleep getting ready (including a bath) and didn’t wake up until the party was over! Went back to sleep after we got home. Didn’t participant in opening presents and slept through the photoshoot afterwards! Not sure why she was so tired. Maybe she was just pretending…to avoid socializing with so many people?!

2.18.2010 Week 6

Can’t believe Mak is SIX WEEKS OLD!!! She’s more alert than ever, looking around with her big eyes and head bent backwards. She’s so curious and wants to see everything around her. She’s sleeping about 4 hours now and staying up more during the day. Now the next challenge is training her to sleep through the night!
Today I fit into my pre-preggo jeans for the first time! YAY!